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An internet meme and another wannabe Jihadist (seen here cuddling with Princess Tuna) were arrested for whatever it is that terrorists get arrested for at JFK International Airport a couple weeks ago. Their hot summer destination was very hot: reportedly, Somalia by way of Egypt. They figured they could just fall-in with the local terrorist crew after extensive paintball training. It is pertinent to note that both have been described as “stupid.”
It’s warm outside, which means shit is wild in the North Metro these days. Will I be brave enough to leave the safe confine of the Minneapolis city limits for the Tater Daze festival next weekend? I don’t even like potatoes!
East Bethel: “Someone put lit firecrackers in a mailbox at a home on the 2800 block of 196th Avenue NE.”
Coon Rapids: “Police responded to a report of disorderly conduct at a home in the 10300 block of Xavis Street NW. According to police reports, the original callers told police they were sitting at a recreational fire in their backyard when a man appeared at their fence and told them to put out the fire. One of the men said he started walking toward the suspect, who pulled out a fire extinguisher and sprayed it in his face. The suspect denied any involvement when questioned by police. Several people reportedly witnessed the incident, however, and the suspect was mailed a citation for disorderly conduct.”
Fridley: “Police responded to a call about a disorderly man at Pawn America, 789 53rd Av. NE. According to police reports, the man was intoxicated and told an employee that he had just killed his wife. The 52-year-old man was arrested for disorderly conduct, but police found that he lives alone and does not have a wife or a girlfriend.”
Blaine: “Police were called to Able Street NE. and 99th Avenue NE. regarding a female lying in the street; she was breathing but unresponsive. After officers identified the 20-year-old woman, she became disorderly and was yelling profanities, police said. She was arrested for underage consumption of alcohol and disturbing the peace.”
Ramsey: “Police received a report of vandalism at the fishing pier in Rivers Bend Park, 14201 Waco St. NW. An officer found that someone had removed 45 nuts and washers from the bolts that hold the dock together.”
The jury assembly room, located in the basement beneath 6th Street, shook and rumbled every several minutes from the weight of vehicles above ground. A man with short gray hair in a dark-purple polo and olive-green shorts pecked away at his Blackberry beside me. Women seemed more likely to engage each other, clustering in small groups of 2-3 while men largely sat by themselves, reading or doing other solitary activities.
Televisions hanging against the ceiling and the walls displayed a slide show. A Windows 98 task bar remained at the bottom of the screens. “Please DO NOT use the chairs as footstools,” one slide read. Another: “We currently have 20 cases pending. Each one is a potential jury trial.” Other messages included reminders to throw away trash, separating recycling into the appropriate designated receptacles, and jury duty factoids: “Average length of a trial: 3.5 hours. Average length of jury service: 3.4 days.”
Monday began with 30 cases — a light load compared to the usual 60-80 cases, cautioned a woman in the jury assembly office — and whittled down to 15 by 11AM.
In this installment of the North Metro police blotter, we learn there is a North Metro resident better at bomb-making than the Pakistani Taliban. Other revelations: It is a crime to prevent any further decline in your property value by way of liberating your neighbor’s “concrete donkey cart lawn decoration” from sight. It is also unlawful to propel hard-boiled eggs via baseball bat against your neighbor’s car and other property.
Ramsey: “A woman came to the police department to report that someone had stolen her concrete donkey cart lawn decoration from the yard of her home on the 16000 block of Kangaroo Street NW.”
Fridley: “An officer observed a vehicle driving with two flat tires in the 6500 block of East River Road. The vehicle was stopped and the driver, a 20-year-old man, was arrested for drunken driving.”
Blaine: “Officers were called to a home on the 13000 block of Pierce Street NE. regarding property damage. According to police reports, an 18-year-old man told police that he was hitting hard-boiled eggs with a bat over the house into a neighbor’s yard. One of the eggs hit the neighbor’s vehicle and caused scratches, police said.”
Fridley: “Police were called to the 1000 block of South Circle NE. regarding a suspicious package. Officers determined the package could be an improvised explosive device and the Minneapolis Bomb Squad was called to the scene. It was confirmed that it was an explosive device and it was dismantled and taken into evidence.”
In this installment, our neighbors in the unholy North Metro have slowed it down on the drugs a bit. Everything is just wonderful and nobody does weird stuff that would get the cops called on them… Except for a few bad apples and alligators.
Fridley: “Someone called police to report that two females were lying in a van and possibly deceased on the 4600 block of 2nd Street NE. The caller also stated it appeared the window had been shot out. According to police reports, officers found the window was missing and the women were intoxicated but not dead. No keys were in the vehicle. Both women were transported to a nearby relative.”
Ramsey: “Someone reportedly stole four gnomes from the yard of a home in the 15500 block of Yakima Street NW.”
Coon Rapids: “Officers were called to the 2400 block of 109th Avenue NW. at 6:10 a.m. after someone saw a statue of the Virgin Mary with its head missing in the middle of the roadway. Officers located four boys near the statue. The boys, ages 12, 13, 14 and 15, told officers that they were supposed to be staying at a friend’s house but were actually at a girl’s house all night. The boys admitted to putting the statue in the road. They were released to their parents and charges against them were pending.”
Fridley: “Someone called police to report there was an alligator in a home on the 1600 block of 68th Avenue NE. Police confiscated the alligator.”
