Smiley face serial killers still don’t exist!

In case you didn’t already call bullshit on the “smiley face murders” months ago, the Blotter over at City Pages has a criminal profiler to do it for you! And she says, “it’s just absolutely insane.”

The premise is that a group of people, maybe meeting online, are killing drunk, vulnerable men around the country and leaving a smiley face by the scene of the crime. (How original!) The profiled killers are unpopular, dumb, and possibly unemployed, according to the detectives. “The type of person that would be the opposite” of the men who were being targeted.

Scores of male college students who all happen to get drunk and end up dead, in bodies of water? Must be a serial killer, because nobody ever has impaired brain function when they are intoxicated! I’m not sure why it’s such a stretch to think that these guys could have brought about their own tragic, accidental downfall through excessive alcohol consumption. Drunk people are naturally attracted to sources of water, but often it’s simply to puke in them, not to necessarily replenish their hydration.